Starts with Goodbye
by cherryxchapstick
Summary: Songfic. Before Jacob, my world had only been Edward. But when he left, I needed something, and it was Jacob. He saved me, but I can't stop hurting him. Bella's .p.o.v.


Starts with Goodbye - A Twilight fan fic.

**Bella pov**

"Jacob?"

"Hey Bells". I could hear the smile in his voice. This wouldn't be easy.

" Jake, want to come over? We haven't…talked in a while."

"I'll be right there".

_I was sitting on my doorstep,  
>I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,<br>But I knew I had to do it,  
>And he wouldn't understand.<em>

Jacob Black had been my sun in a time when I could barely see the clouds. Everything was gray, and he lit it up. But what do you do when even the sun can't compete with something so powerful, like your gravity? The sun will keep you warm, but the gravity is what keeps you here, holds you down, allows you to exist. On rainy days, you can still live with the sun behind the clouds. But you're torn to shreds without gravity.

_So hard to see myself without him,  
>I felt a piece of my heart break,<br>But when you're standing at a crossroad,  
>There's a choice you gotta make.<br>_

And, hypothetically, you can live without sunlight, right? I mean, Forks is nonstop cloud cover. So if I can get used to that, why does it feel like I'm tearing myself into tiny little pieces? It's like every heartbeat is a decision- Edward, Jacob, Edward, Jacob. No, that's not fair. Jacob's beat is much less loud than Edwards, an undercurrent, the soft background music. Present but not overpowering, so soft that you might miss it. Edward is the melody, the harmony, the lyrics. But Jacob's music is still beating through my blood.

_I guess it's gonna have to hurt,  
>I guess I'm gonna have to cry,<br>And let go of some things I've loved,  
>To get to the other side.<em>

If this is the life I was born to, it wouldn't have been much. But Edward is the dream, the heaven on Earth feeling. He is more than a soul mate. And Jacob? He's the match I would have needed and he's the sunlight that would have lit up my world had it not been full of myths. But it is. And you can't resist the power of gravity because it will inevitably pull you in anyway. So I've given in.

_I guess it's gonna break me down,  
>Like falling when you try to fly,<br>It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,  
>Starts with goodbye.<br>_

Before Jacob, my world had only been Edward. But when he left, I needed something, and it was Jacob. He saved me, but I can't stop hurting him. Because it's not enough to love him. He will never have all of my heart, because the largest part of it belongs to Edward. And I need to stay with him. I can't imagine letting him leave again, growing old and knowing that he was out there, eternally young and in love with me. So I have to let Jacob go. My life as a human is only the prologue to my story with Edward- we have eternity when I'm changed. And Jacob belongs in the prologue, but you have to get through the prologue to see the real story.

_I know there's a blue horizon,  
>Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,<br>Getting there means leaving things behind,  
>Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.<em>

But I don't understand why this smaller piece of my heart that belongs to Jacob has to hurt so much. And it feels unbearable, this pain. I can see Edward wondering why I think the right choice is to be with him, if giving up Jake can hurt me so much. But when he left, the world was just gone. I didn't feel pain, it was only despair. The world may as well have ended for me. Losing Jake is like losing the sun, true, but I **can **survive it. I want it there, but I'll learn to live without it. It can't be like that when Edward isn't there. But, in the meantime, this is like drowning._  
><em>

_I guess it's gonna have to hurt,  
>I guess I'm gonna have to cry,<br>And let go of some things I've loved,  
>To get to the other side,<br>I guess it's gonna break me down,  
>Like falling when you try to fly,<br>It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,  
>Starts with goodbye.<em>

He's going to be here soon. Edward left to hunt. I think he knows what I'm going to do and he's giving me space. He wants me to keep my options open, while I still have them. The wedding is in three weeks. Even if he can't read my mind, he has to know that I won't change it. He's everything, and I won't let him go. Gravity does those things to you.

_Time, time heals,  
>The wounds that you feel,<br>Somehow, right now.  
><em>

I'm the only one aging, and the beats of my heart are numbered. But I'll have forever to devote myself to Edward. Forever. So today is for Jacob, and the pain in loving and leaving him is washing over me. He will find someone, once I remove myself from his life. He might always wonder about me, but I'll eventually be his prologue too. He will marry someone, have children, raise his children. His human children. But I can't be the one to give them to him, no matter how much I want to. It would never be enough, and we would both know it.

_I guess it's gonna have to hurt,  
>I guess I'm gonna have to cry,<br>And let go of some things I've loved,  
>To get to the other side,<br>I guess it's gonna break me down,  
>Like falling when you try to fly,<br>It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,  
>Starts with goodbye.<em>

The hole that Jake carved into my heart is screaming in protest. I'm trying to figure out what I can say that will make it better, but I know that there are no words. Are there any nice ways to say "I made my choice, and it isn't you" ? The tears are coming freely now, but I'm in control of them. This is something that I need to do, to fulfill my destiny. This is for Edward, yes, but its mostly for myself. I love Jacob enough to let him go, and Edward too much to ever live without him. I've made my decision, and it does hurt, but it was my choice. But immortality, a life with Edward, those are what is on the other side of this. And I can't resist the idea of eternity with him. And Jacob must know that.

_I guess I'm gonna have to cry,  
>And let go of some things I've loved,<br>To get to the other side,  
>Starts with goodbye,<br>The only way you try to find,  
>Moving on with the rest of your life,<br>_

I can see the Rabbit parked outside. Jacob, ever-lankier, is climbing out of the car. As he lopes toward the porch, my heart is convulsing, lurching. But the rewards outweigh the pain, no matter how real or terrible it might , my love. I loved you as much as I could, but it wasn't enough. You cannot be him. He's grinning, hugging me. He hasn't noticed the tears. Edward would have. With a sigh, I motion to the stairs.

"Sit down, Jake."

_Starts with goodbye._


End file.
